An Open Letter to Laffy Taffy™

Dear Mr. Wonka:
I have long admired the taste and texture of Laffy Taffy™. Having gone to school not far from one of your manufacturing plants, I was pleased for four years to have ready access to these chewy, gooey delights. The jokes on the wrappers were, of course, a happy bonus. Who could not smile reading, on the outside of the wrapper, “What do you say when the Statue of Liberty sneezes?” and then, on the inside of the wrapper, “God bless America!”

Imagine my disappointment, my confusion, when I eagerly opened a bag of Halloween edition Laffy Taffy™ and found the following joke:

Q: What happens to a pumpkin when it becomes rotten?
A: It turns into a green Jack-o-Lantern.

What?!? I like to think I have a good sense of humor, and I have devoted more time to this joke than could be called productive, and I must judge that in this instance you were heavy on the taffy, light on the laffy.

Oh, the opportunities you missed! Why not the following?

Q: What happens when a Jack-o-Lantern becomes rotten?
A: It turns into a punk-kin!


Q: What do you call a pumpkin that becomes rotten?
A: A jackal-lantern!

I admit, neither of these jokes represents my best work, but at least there’s nuance, plays on words, exclamation points. I might have kept silent about my frustration but my next piece of candy bore the following joke (and I emphasize the word bore):

Q: Why did they carve a big mouth into the pumpkin?
A: So he could scream and howl!

Again, what?!? I can’t work with that one at all!! At least it had an exclamation point, but I’ll be frank: this joke screams and howls an indictment against your joke editing department. I can only hope that you will audit your humor more carefully before the next candy-giving event on my calendar. I would hate to have my taffy-chewing experience sullied by something like the following:

Q: What did the Easter Bunny say to the Paschal Lamb?
A: Have a piece of chocolate!


Jennwith2ns said…
Wow. This is a good letter. I hope they read it. ;)
Craver Vii said…
Turkey! Oh, that was "rabbit" wasn't it? Nevermind.

Hey, I saved you a banana-flavored taffy. Those are your favorite, right? Seriously, how can anybody NOT like artificial banana flavoring??
Daphne said…
i am cracking up here! this is wonderful david.

i love the apple laffy taffy but it delivers bad breath. banana is nasty.

i was just in brazil where they sell a certain chocolate with fortunes on the inside of the wrappers. unfortunately i can't read Portuguese.
Craver Vii said…
This morning, I found a row of banana flavored Laffy Taffy on my desk. I'm so blessed!
Anonymous said…
Found this trying to google the answer because we just were confused..this maybe the funniest letter ever. Thank you.

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