Spam of the Day: We Deliver!

Today's spam of the day comes from a source I supposedly once signed up for; I think some Christian bought an e-mail list from some other Christian, and so on, and so on, and so on. Which leads me to the following subject line:

Want to eat pizza with LIVING SACRIFICE?

Eeeewww.

Eeeewww.

Which leads me to the question of the day: What toppings would you never want added to your pizza--even if they were on special?

Spam of the Day

Can't pass this one up:

Hi,
i am here sitting in the internet caffe. Found your email and decided to write. I am 25 y.o.girl. I have a picture if you want. No need to reply here as this is not may email. Write me at abreanne681@medicalgloveonline.info

I don't think Breanne should be sending these very personal e-mails from work. I also hope her spelling is better in her official correspondence. I can't imagine she sells a lot of medical gloves with such an atrocious writing style. Then again, she's probably pretty, which I'm told covers a multitude of sins in sales.

Pseudo-Spam of the Day

A 4 year old girl and a 1.5 year old boy.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You might think it's spam, but it's really an old friend from college, filling me in on his family life. I'm sure they're adorable kids, and more virtuous than virtual.

There's probably a market for BlackBerry Kids out there, however. I thought the Cabbage Patch Kids were ugly and pointless back in the day, but plenty of people disagreed with me. My sister had one, complete with adoption papers and a detachable pacifier. My brother and I would play War with it/her serving as a grenade; we'd "pull the pin" (AKA pacifier), count to three and throw the Cabbage Patch Kid from one end of the room to the other. That wouldn't fly with BlackBerry Kids; Mommy and Daddy paid six hundred bucks for that little bundle of joy.

Spam of the Day

It's been a bit heavy around here lately, so today I want to help you cleanse your loud-time palate with some nice, refreshing spam. Today's Spam of the Day comes from Pablo Hathaway, who is apparently (judging by his e-mail address) currently in detox somewhere in Ontario, Canada. Despite his substantial geographical distance from suburban Chicago, he seems to know my community pretty well, because Pablo is alerting me to . . .

CHEAP HARLOTS IN YOUR AREA

The rest of the e-mail is in French, directed toward someone named Fabian. My French is and always has been sketchy ("un peu, s'il vous plait"), but from what I can gather Pablo wants Fabian to come visit him when he gets out on parole. It begs the question: If you were to entice a friend to come visit you, what features of your community would you highlight? Go ahead--brag on your community a bit. As for Lombard, Illinois (my hometown), I'd probably play up the Texan Barbecue, the "Amazing Graze" deli and the close proximity to Chicago. I probably wouldn't mention the harlots.

Spam of the Earth

Today's spam of the day is technically not spam; I'm proud to say that it comes from Sojourners, an organization dedicated to a biblical vision for social justice and responsibility. That being said, this blanket e-mail had a subject line too tasty to resist:

Subject: Kick off Earth Day

Earth Day isn't till April 22, so that can't be what this e-mail was about. No, I'm pretty sure it's promoting a day for kicking people, places and things off Earth. Sounds fun: I'm taking nominations here at Loud Time. I'll start:

I vote that we kick the following off Earth:

1. Hummers
2. Private property leaflets
3. Spam

How about you? What would you like to see kicked off earth?

Spam of the Day: Greetings from Valley Records, Or Russia, Or Nigeria, Or Wherever

Another Russian bride makes her move. This is entertaining reading, I promise.

FROM: Valley Records
SUBJECT: How are you? My name is Ekaterina.

How are you? My name is Ekaterina. I from Russia, city Cheboksary. To me 28 years. I shall tell to you about myself a little. I corresponded with the man from the your country before. His name Mark. He is from your country. We had a long correspondence and Mark wanted, that I have arrived to him in the your country that I have seen what life there. We have together submitted the statement on reception of the visa in your country! Mark spoke, that will help my in our meeting. I thought, that have met on the Internet the love. I and Mark made the big plans for the future, but in a flash all has changed. From the moment of submission of the statement for the application of the visa has passed 5 months. For these five months there was for what I least waited. Mark informed, that his former wife has returned to him and lives together with him. Soon they should get married. And now in Mark plans there is no me. I wrote to him sometimes after that, but Mark have wished me only good luck in the further searches worthy men and have told, that our ways miss. And in October to me there has come the invitation in embassy behind reception of the visa.In the beginning I wanted to throw out the invitation in embassy.To me it was sad, because my dreams were failed, I have nobody to fly in the your country. But my uncle have dissuaded me from resolute actions and have told, that else there is a chance to find worthy the man and to use the visa to a meeting with him. I well know English and practically I have visa your country. My uncle speaks, that it really solves many problems. Approximately in 7 days the visa will be ready, and I should go to Moscow behind reception of the visa. I write to you because in my heart there is an empty seat. I do not search rich or poor. I search careful and responsible man which wants to enjoy a life together. Is this person you? I think, that I ask not much. I have told to you a little about my life. I have told not all about myself, but it will be easier to me to write about myself if you will ask questions which interest you. I have told to you my history, and now I shall look forward to hearing from you with impatience. Write to me! I shall send you more photo in the following letter. I wait you answer. Ekaterina.

How about it--any of you single boys out there willing to make Ekaterina an honest woman?

Spam I Am

Today, due to circumstances beyond my control, my outbound e-mail has been tagged as "spam" by one or more major e-mail providers. Consequently, until I can prove that I'm not a spam generator, many of my e-mails are being blocked.

I can't tell who thinks I'm spam and who doesn't until I get a bounceback e-mail, but it is a rather humbling experience--an indictment on my communication habits. My approach to e-mail historically has been to (a) have a thought, (b) commit that thought to digital data and (c) click on "send." My thought then becomes someone else's problem--until, of course, someone somewhere says "Enough!" and cuts me off. On days like these I realize that one person's epiphanies are very often another person's irritants.

Beyond the obvious benefits to necessary communication, e-mail as I've approached it--along with blogging, I think--is often equal parts an attempt to be known and a desire to be admired. As such, it can be pretty addictive. You want to be known by more and more people, and so you monitor the profile views on your profile, despairing when the count stays static and congratulating yourself when it reaches some new round number. You compare the comment count from one post to another and from your blog to another's, and thusly you measure your relative worth. Meanwhile, people with their own problems are surfing the Internet, minding their own business and either allow themselves to get drawn into your search for significance or throw their guard up and say, "Please don't bother me!"

Anyway, my experience as spam has left me plenty circumspect, so I will simply say: thanks for coming by my blog. I hope you have fun here more often than you get annoyed. And if my presumed profundities ever bug you, please don't flag me as inappropriate. Instead, please post a comment to let me know; you get the annoyance off your chest, and my fragile sense of self-worth gets bolstered by another comment. Everybody wins.

Your One-Stop Shop for Spam of the Day

Today's Spam of the Day ties the whole week together with a nice, snarky bow:

FROM: Agatha Manning
SUBJECT: Grouchy Mart

And here I've been having to subsist on the grouchiness I could scrape up on my own. What a relief to know I can now go to one place to purchase all my grouchy needs--along with (apparently, based on the contents of the spam) stock in MRG Productions, a film production company seeking funds to produce the romantic comedy "April in December."

Of course, I can't leave this spam alone, so I'll open it up for discussion, along one of two streams:

1. What, do you predict, will be the plot of "April in December"?
2. What brands and products would you expect to see advertised in the Sunday newspaper insert from Grouchy Mart?

Have fun. Play nice.

Who Needs Books When You Have Spam of the Day?

Subject: 12 new messages from ladies for you (dating)

The ladies, based on the e-mail address, are apparently a part of the MEC Sundries of St. Paul. Perhaps, I naively imagine, they'd like me to come speak to their group on the subject of dating. So I open the e-mail:

I am looking for man for long-term relations.
I am from Russia, my name is Vika,
please let me know if you have interest.

I can tell it's authentic because Vika, like all the English-speaking Russians I've ever seen in movies, doesn't use articles: "I am looking for man," not "I am looking for a man"; "if you have interest," not "if you have any interest."

I hate to publicly humiliate Vika, but I'd rather break the hearts of countless Russian single ladies all at once rather than one at a time, so please take note and alert any e-mail-order brides in your address books:

Back off, ladies! I'm taken!

Spam of the Day

From my new best friend Russo. Surprisingly, the message was marked "BULK."

It's time to refill Kenya.

I'll let you decide what we're going to refill Kenya with. Spam, perhaps?

Spam of the Day--It's a Tie!

Subject Line #1:

That Tic Tac Feeling

Subject Line #2:

Don't Be Inadequate Anymore

Either one would be a great slogan for Tic Tacs, don't you think? Spam-flavored Tic Tacs, however, would be a big strategic blunder.