Who Needs Books When You Have Spam of the Day?

Subject: 12 new messages from ladies for you (dating)

The ladies, based on the e-mail address, are apparently a part of the MEC Sundries of St. Paul. Perhaps, I naively imagine, they'd like me to come speak to their group on the subject of dating. So I open the e-mail:

I am looking for man for long-term relations.
I am from Russia, my name is Vika,
please let me know if you have interest.

I can tell it's authentic because Vika, like all the English-speaking Russians I've ever seen in movies, doesn't use articles: "I am looking for man," not "I am looking for a man"; "if you have interest," not "if you have any interest."

I hate to publicly humiliate Vika, but I'd rather break the hearts of countless Russian single ladies all at once rather than one at a time, so please take note and alert any e-mail-order brides in your address books:

Back off, ladies! I'm taken!


Pete Juvinall said…
Somewhere Jack Bauer is saying to himself "DAMN IT!"

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