Your One-Stop Shop for Spam of the Day

Today's Spam of the Day ties the whole week together with a nice, snarky bow:

FROM: Agatha Manning
SUBJECT: Grouchy Mart

And here I've been having to subsist on the grouchiness I could scrape up on my own. What a relief to know I can now go to one place to purchase all my grouchy needs--along with (apparently, based on the contents of the spam) stock in MRG Productions, a film production company seeking funds to produce the romantic comedy "April in December."

Of course, I can't leave this spam alone, so I'll open it up for discussion, along one of two streams:

1. What, do you predict, will be the plot of "April in December"?
2. What brands and products would you expect to see advertised in the Sunday newspaper insert from Grouchy Mart?

Have fun. Play nice.


Jennwith2ns said…
1. See (because I don't know how to post a link in a comment), and set it back a month.

2. I don't know. Quit bothering me. Why should I have to answer these questions anyway? Good grief!
David Zimmerman said…
Testy, testy! To post a link, put an open carat, an a, and a close carat (< a >, only without the spaces) in front of the link, and the same thing with a slash added (< / a >, without the spaces) immediately following the link. So, for example, to see the famous Belgian Farting Pig, click on the following link:
David Zimmerman said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said…
2 for 1 special! Buy 1 large tin of the-traffic-and-weather-sucks and get a free ultra sized package of my-life-is-just-so-mundane specially shrunk wrapped with that great little jingle, "noboby likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll eat some worms." (all sales final, non returnable)
Carolyn said…
Lemons would be a must in the grouchy catalog.

And, per Stacey's post, worms. But, not cute worms. Really gross ones.

David Zimmerman said…
Crab cakes. check.
Sour grapes. check.
Bitters. check.
Nuts. check.

Ooh--looks like I can use the ten-items-or-less lane!
Pete Juvinall said…
O.k., so I'll play (I replied once but blogger ate it :().

1) Socialite April Stevens leaves her mile-a-minute publishing job in Manhattan to take care of her ailing grandfather in December, Ohio. While there, she meets handsome August Johnson (Harry Connick jr.) and discovers that there's more to Ohio than it's winters.

2) I would guess that there would have to be food for slimey, right? A pet worm has to eat... :)
Unknown said…
Grouchy sticks* 99 cents. Good for repeated use.

*As in, "did you get beaten by the grouchy stick this morning?"
Jennwith2ns said…
Dave--thanks for the help--only I couldn't click on the link. (Not to any effect anyway.)

So . . . playing nice seemed somewhat silly when we're talking about grouchiness, which is why I was "testy testy" above. But maybe it didn't translate. Sorry.

Might Oscar the Grouch be running this store?
Mr Steve said…
1.April, a young actress hired by the producer of a reality show to boost ratings by playing an "icy b**** we all love to hate" struggles to hide her true identity and keep her career when her character, December, becomes the love interest of an influential entertainment blogger and a sensation among show fans.

2. Things that are not Scottish. (for those of you that remember Mike Myers' days on SNL)
Anonymous said…
The angst-ridden emo-teen April has lost the joy of Christmas. In "April in Decemeber." This December is the wost December ever for April. Her favorite band "The Love Anhiliators" broke up because they all got married and had children, her best friend became cheer captain and prom queen, and worst of all her boyfriend got through to Hollywood on American Idol. Follow this heartfelt story of April as sh learns that no matter hoe much black you wear...thing can always get worse.

I think the Grumpy Mart sells Life Model Decoys of that guy who works at the post office. He does grumpy better than anyone.
Anonymous said…
I think the grumpy mart might also sell clothing in sizes just a wee bit too small, leaving you feeling uptight and bloated!

(Oh wait, maybe that's just how I feel when I'M grouchy!)

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that they probably only have one check out line open, and the light's ALWAYS blinking while they're waiting for a price check.
locutus est said…
April is the grouchiest mart, breeding
Agatha out of the dead land, mixing
Manning and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
December kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Mr Steve said…
Oh might Locutus, I accept the challenge. I created this poem while experiencing my own journey through Grouch Mart while a teacher in a public school.

With sincerest apologies to Mr. Eliot

"If I thought that I was speaking
to someone who would go back to the world
this flame would shake no more.
But since nobody has ever
gone back alive from this place, if what I hear is true
I answer you without fear of infamy"

-from Dante Alighieri's Inferno (Canto 27, lines 61-66)

Let us go then you and I
where the students reluctantly arrive
like a patient to the dentist's chair.
Let us go, through crowded classes,
through overflowing masses
of sleepy students and aging teachers
that fill the rooms and bleachers.

Oh, do not ask "Why is it . . . ?"
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the students come and go
asking "Is this stuff I hafta know?"

The copier that sits and lurks down the hall,
The copier that makes you wonder if it works at all,
Coughed up paper and toner
Spit out your assignment in a ball,
Lets you staple once in a while
and duplex every other Wednesday in the spring
hated when it's doors are slammed,
and seeing that it was the week before finals,
refused to cooperate and jammed.

And indeed there will be time
for the copier and the papers you need to file;
there will be time, there will be time
to prepare a lesson for the students you greet;
There will be time to lecture and sleep
and time for all the essays and tests
that must be graded
and time for a hundred visions and revisions
before the ringing of the final bell.

And indeed there will be time
to wonder, "Why do I teach?" and "What do I teach?"
Time to turn back and take that vacation to the beach.

And is it worth it after all,
after lectures and projects, quizzes and tests
grading assignments and all the rest?
Is it worthwhile
to bite your tongue and smile
if one squirming in their seat
should say "I didn't get it.
I don't get it at all."

No, they don't care about who Hamlet is or "To be or not to be . . ."
they are to busy with extracurricular activities or jobs or tv.

I grow old . . . I grow old
I arrive every day and teach what I'm told.

Shall I wear a shirt and tie? Do I know my students names?
I shall teach writing, reading and make sure they pass AIMS*.
I have hear the School Board and the Superintendent playing games.

I do not think they will play with me.

I have seen their scandals in the news,
heard them argue with the SEA*
and wonder if I should believe what they say.

Each day we linger in crowded rooms and halls
filled with students impatient and tired
till we chose to give up on them or retire.

- Mr. Steve

* AIMS is the Arizona Instrument to Measure Standards (the state exit exam) The SEA is the local teacher union where I used to teach.
Unknown said…
Mr. Steve - I feel your pain (thanks I needed the reminder why I'm elsewhere). So let's not forget to buy our grumpy pants for only $29.99 modeled by Mr. Grumpy Pants himself.
Anonymous said…
Ok, so I've been had. You posted a link called Farting Belgian Pig. That says something about you.

And I clicked on it. That says something about me. And I watched it a few times.

The pig keeps saying something in Flemish: "fopje flauw mopje". So I googled it. Here's what it means, roughly:

stupid little jokes for little minds.

There we have it.
Craver Vii said…
stupid little jokes for little minds

Eureka! I have the title for my first book!
Pete Juvinall said…
Paul - You know I think that makes that video that much more funny knowing that. Craver - you know I was thinking about the title of the next blog. :)

Trying to get that chorus out of my head...


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